One man was riding a donkey and his son was walking (he was ten-fifteen years old). A man met them and said: “That’s not right, brother, you’re riding and your child’s walking; your legs are stronger than his”.
The father got off the donkey and seated the boy on. After a while, another man met them and said: “That’s not nice boy, that you’re riding and your father is walking; your legs are younger.”
Then they both got seated and kept on moving, and then the third man met them and said: “What nonsense! Two old donkeys on one weak animal! The proper thing would be to take a cane and drive you both away!”
They both got off the donkey and were walking by the animal. The fourth man met them and said: “What strange three pals are you! Isn’t that enough that two of you are walking? Wouldn’t that be easier if one of you rode? The father addressed to the son: “We were both riding the donkey, now the donkey should ride us.” They knocked the donkey down, tied his legs up and took him between them. People were looking at them, wondering. The father said: “he who wants to please the whole world is crazier than the donkey.” The man was riding and the donkey and the boy were walking. And so, they arrived home.

What We Suggest You Change: By Nina and Sam
One man was riding a donkey and his son was walking (he was ten-fifteen years old) (? Is that necessary?). A man met them and said: (Punctuation) “That’s not right, brother, you’re riding and your child’s walking; your legs are stronger than his”.
The father got off (Word Choice) the donkey and seated the boy on (Word choice). After a while, another man met them and said: (Punctuation) “That’s not nice boy, that you’re riding and your father is walking; your legs are younger.”
Then they both got seated (Word Choice) and kept on moving, and then the third man met them and said: (Punctuation) “What nonsense! Two old donkeys on one weak animal! The proper thing would be to take a cane and drive you both away!”
They both got off (Word Choice) the donkey and were walking by the animal. The fourth man met them and said: “What strange three pals are you! Isn’t that enough that two of you are walking? Wouldn’t that be easier if one of you rode? The father addressed to (Grammar) the son: “We were both riding the donkey, now the donkey should ride us.” They knocked the donkey down, tied his legs up and took him between them. People were looking at them, wondering. The father said: (Punctuation) “he (Capitalization) who wants to please the whole world is crazier (Word Choice) than the donkey.” The man was riding and the donkey and the boy were walking (? This Sentence does not make sense). And so, they arrived home. (You should continue your story, this is a abrupt ending, which is not satisfying to the reader. If you would like, try to think of Alternate Endings.)

Peer Response – 1st read-through: By Nina and Sam

(Nina and Sam, you need to copy and paste the questions and answers here NOT onto the Peer Editing Questions page - everyone has to copy the questions from that page!)


1. On the level of story-telling: if you were the King (or the aliens), would you allow this story-teller to live another day? If no,why not?
Perhaps the story-teller would be executed or made a slave, because it's slightly boring and repetitive.
2. Think of plot—is it original? (If an adaptation, is it creative or interesting to you?)
We're not really sure because one of us has re-called hearing it before.
3. Think about conflict. Does the story have a natural conflict? Are there complications that add enough suspense, tension, or interest? Is there a climax that satisfies you? Is the resolution satisfying? What could be added or changed?
There is not really a conflict for there are only minor complications that don't even add suspense. There is not really a climax and it's just one whole chunk of writing and there is no beginning, middle, or end.The resolution seems awkward and incomplete.
4. Think of characterization—are the characters realistic? Individual? Do we get a good sense of character from many of these: description, dialogue, narrator's opinion, discussion from other characters, the character’s own actions?
They are realistic but you can't really tell who the character is and they don't seem individual for they all sound the same.
5. Think of word choice, imagery, and details. Do they help you see and hear and experience the story? Do any word choices need changing?
No, the word choice are alright it just doesn't get you to the story
6. On the level of "culture"--what do you think this writer is trying to reveal about the culture he/she lives in? Summarize what this story tells/shows about its culture in a sentence or two.
It is not clear, because it says nothing about the culture.
7. Does this revelation of culture possess much insight or show you something unique? Do you get a picture of cultural practices? Of gender roles, love relationships, family roles, habits, religious practices, beliefs, food, social expectations, etc.? Should anything be thrown out? Added?
No, because there is no culture, but the only thing it really has is the family roles for there is a son and his father. Many things should be added such as details, more organization, and more creativity.
8. What areas of the story need the most improvement?
You need to make the beginning middle and climax clearer and organize your story. Your message is not clear.
9. Summarize the theme of the story in a sentence or two. Don't just summarize the story, or say what its topic is--that's not theme. "Theme" is what the story reveals about the topic. So put your theme statement in this sort of pattern: "This story reveals that (topic) is (message about the topic)." Do your best here. You'll show the writer what his/her story DOES say, as opposed to what the writer WANTS it to say.
The story reveals that nobody can please the whole world.
10. Be specific, try not to merely write, " this was good", instead explain what was good about it and why.
It' s good, because it's short and gets straight to the point, and doesn't have excessive amount of words.